23
Aug
10

The Top 10 Impossible Hostage Demands

There is an on-going hostage drama involving a dismissed policemen and a bus load of Hong Kong tourists. A certain Rolando Mendoza pulled off this stunt in a desperate bid to be reinstated in his old job. I think he needs an expert career adviser because I doubt if his demand will be granted after this violent exhibition that got us a place in the international spotlight. But desperate people will do stupid – I mean – desperate things. Remember Jun Ducat? He placed  a school bus full of students under hostage  in order to air his grievances. Ducat just wanted a better life for the students. Awww. Senatorial cellar-dweller Chavit Singson lend his expertise and still lost in the elections. Awww. But Ducut gained fans such as Internet forum memberBingo” who posted, “Ang akala po ng iba masamang tao po si Ginoong Ducat. Pero ang totoo po kaya po niya nagawa ang ganoon para maiparating sa buong mundo kung gaano kabulok ang sistema dito sa ating bansa. Sinakripisyo ang sarili para sa kapakanan ng masa!” Awww. Some people can be so demanding!

NUMBER TEN: “Ibalik ako sa Wowowee. Wala na akong pang-gasolina ng aking yacht.”

Hostage-Taker: Willie Revillame

Victim: a construction worker in his Wil Towers

NUMBER NINE: “Hindi bagay si John Lloyd Cruz kay Shaina Magdayao. Ako ang bagay sa kanya. Ako! Ako!”

Hostage-Taker: a delusional John Lloyd Cruz admirer

Victim:  a random person walking near her when she snapped

NUMBER EIGHT: “Ibalik si Jong Uichico sa San Miguel! Alisin si Siot Tiang…’tang i*a. ‘Di ko alam ang tamang pronunciation. Basta alisin si Siot. Malaki ang talo ko sa pustahan sa nakaraang finals.”

Hostage-Taker: a San Miguel fan who lost a significant amount in a bet

Victim: the official mascot of Alaska Aces

NUMBER SEVEN: “I demand a recount. Millions ang supporters ni Brother Eddie. Hindi ako naniniwala sa naging bilang ng automated elections. I believe in Eddie!”

Hostage-Taker: a supporter of Brother Eddie who has not moved on

Victim: a hapless PCOS machine

NUMBER SIX: “Hindi ko na matiis. 1973 pa ng huling magkaroon ng Ms. Universe ang Pilipinas. Jusko! Taun-taon na lang akong nagno-nobena at naglalakad ng paluhod sa simbahan pero wala pa rin epekto. Kapag hindi pa talaga nanalo si Raj ako na ang lalaban sa isang taon. Walang makakapigil sa akin!”

Hostage-Taker: a serious follower of local beauty pageants

Victim: Donald Trump and Stella Marquez Araneta

NUMBER FIVE: “Kailangan kong makita si Coco Martin ng personal. Wala akong balak na masama. Magpapa-picture lang ako para winner ang profile picture ko sa Facebook. Hindi naman ganoon kabigat ang hinihiling ko.”

Hostage-Taker: me

Victim: me

NUMBER FOUR: “Tama ang sagot ko sa essay. Hindi lang mabasa ng teacher kong hindi in. I will fight for my right to be a jejemon. Tao rin ako na dapat igalang.”

Hostage-Taker: a clueless jejemon who failed an examination

Victim: a teacher clueless of the jejemon subculture

NUMBER THREE: “Isang laro lang. Papanalunin niyo ang UP Fighting Maroons kahit isang laro lang. Kahit one-point lang ang lamang. Kahit hindi kami champion sa cheer dance. Maawa na kayo!”

Hostage-Taker: an exasperated but eternal UP fan

Victim: the UP Oblation

NUMBER TWO: “Kimerald is the best. Bakit ba binuwag ang kanilang love team. Malaki ang naitulong nila sa aking pagkatao. Sila ang aking inspirasyon. Gusto niyo bang masira ang aking kinabukasan?!  Kimerald forever.”

Hostage-Taker: a deranged Kimerald fanatic

Victim: a fellow Kimerald fan willing to sacrifice his or her freedom for their idols

NUMBER ONE: “Magkasundo na kayo Kris, James. Nakikiusap ako na isaalang-alang ang kapakanan ni Bebe Jems. Hindi pwedeng lumaking kulang ang kanyang mga magulang. I love you Bebe Jems!”

Hostage-Taker: the number one fan of Baby James Yap

Victim: his or her neighbor

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4 Responses to “The Top 10 Impossible Hostage Demands”


  1. 08/23/2010 at 8:38 am

    Love the No. 1! PNoy would have been a better hostage…or Baby James’ yaya. :-)


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