Confession: I am one of the millions of people cajoled into the theaters to see the first Expendables. This makes me one of the million reasons Chuck Norris is back on the big-screen doing Chuck Norris stuff for his old and soon-to-be hordes of fans. This makes me one of the million reasons arthritic action stars keep on packing heat. This makes me one of the million reasons ridiculous film concepts like the Expendables are gaining traction in present pop culture. I like ridiculous sometimes. Scratch that: I need ridiculous most of the time. It is just kick-as* amazeballs. Think of the line-up: Stallone, Statham, Li, Lundgren and Schwarz-I-still-Google-his-name-so-f*ck-correct-spelling. It is just too damn ridiculous. There is one development, however, that had me thinking a lot. One report claimed Cameron Diaz is in talks to star in a possible third Expendables and that there could be an all-female version – Expandabelles. The model-turned-comedian mentioned names of other actresses she likes to work with if the idea pushes through. I endorse her choices including the others included in the list. There is no doubt the idea is terrible and ridiculous but Kill Bill has taught us estrogen is lethal.
NUMBER TEN: CHLOE GRACE MORETZ
Moretz killed the Hit Girl role and stole the film from her more popular co-stars. Just put the kid in the picture.
KILLER VIDEO: as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass
NUMBER NINE: JENNIFER GARNER
Garner is the top mistress of disguise/assassin in the small screen and that puts her in good position in the list. The bedimpled charmer is indeed the perfect innocent-looking killer.
KILLER VIDEO: a fan-made montage of her popular small-screen role
NUMBER EIGHT: MILLA JOVOVICH
Resident. Evil. Butt-Kicker.
KILLER VIDEO: good zombies are dead zombies
NUMBER SEVEN: HELEN MIRREN
The British Empire needs proper representation and Mirren is up to the challenge. The esteemed thespian can bring some Shakespeare credentials and innate bad-as*ery. Plus the promising market of men with grandma fantasies should be taken into serious consideration.
KILLER VIDEO: still the best scene in the film
NUMBER SIX: CAMERON DIAZ
Diaz is the most delightful of the three big-screen angels. She has first-rate timing useful for the de rigueur comic reliefs. Not to mention kilometric legs for the discerning male audience.
KILLER VIDEO: creeptastic Thin Man battle
NUMBER FIVE: JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Here is the deal: most actresses get to do action stuff in horror films as the hapless target of murderous monsters. Curtis is the pioneer of such roles. Plus she starred alongside Schwarz-I-still-Google-his-name-so-f*ck-correct-spelling in True Lies.
KILLER VIDEO: here goes the striptease scene in True Lies
NUMBER FOUR: SIGOURNEY WEAVER
I am spelling it out just to make things clear: R-I-P-L-E-Y.
KILLER VIDEO: better than Prometheus
NUMBER THREE: MICHELLE YEOH
The East produced some of the best female action stars and no one shines brighter than Michelle. She is a bona fide superstar and her resume includes some of the most important martial arts films of all-time. Our heroine forged a career despite competition from popular male action stars. That is brilliance.
KILLER VIDEO: Jet Li-collaboration in the Tai Chi Master
NUMBER TWO: GINA CARANO
Carano is a real-life ring-combatant-turned-action-star and a sure asset in this ensemble.
KILLER VIDEO: a different kind of bed scene
NUMBER ONE: ANGELINA JOLIE
KILLER VIDEO: this car chase has the floor to make a point